Joy in the Turmoil

It has been a long while since I've written one of these things, and I barely know where to start.

To be honest, I really, really wanted to make this blog bright eyed and bushy tailed… Don’t get me wrong, God is SO faithful; he is still on the throne, he loves us STILL. I am just in the midst of one “those” seasons.  The training season…. Oh the seasons of growing pains and jumping into the deep end! There has been NO shortage of tears, heart ache, and just simple loneliness these past 6 months.

I could sit here and tell you all about the heart ache, and the trials, and how hard my season was.  BUT, that is not who I WANT to be. Sure, the dramatic diva in me wants to throw all my turmoil on the table and tell you all about every bump, and bruise, and stolen moment. BUT, BUT, BUT GOD! 

Nope, this season God has physically showed up in my sobbing on the floor I can’t see tomorrow moments. This season, Daddy God has pushed me into a deeper revelation of his love, a deeper understanding of what kingdom justice looks like. This season I have learned how to trust him with everything inside of me for strength tomorrow. This season I have learned how important it is to CHOOSE to come in the opposite spirit when everything else around you screams just to sit down and not fight the good fight. In this season I learned that even on my worst days God continued to whisper truth that shook my core back to his beautiful gaze.  

The turmoil in my “rough” season will NEVER add up the “rough” day Jesus took for me on that cross. My “roughest” day will never compare to the little girl locked in the room that I pass every day, or the precious child in Syria who is fleeing from chemical weapons….  My “roughest” season is never an easy way out to toss up the white flag and walk away… 

Every season of joy, loneliness, or uncharted waters is a season that was pre destined before for the foundations of the earth! God never wonders away, he never lets his gaze leave us for a second…  Even in the midst of my rough season, God never, ever left me side. God brought me to this season for the plans that he has placed deep in my heart, he just needs to reveal a little more of himself through turmoil, through the pain, through the unknown…. 

The girl I WANT to be is a girl who wakes up to find the glory in EACH day. The girl I want to be is the girl who will continue to fight and learn even in the rough season. The girl I want to be is thankful that the God of the universe is constantly reminding me of who He is, and how He reaches down to me, this little soul that so easily finds turmoil in the seemingly "tough" times.  The girl I want to be, the girl I AM, will rejoice and be glad in every day, every season, and will fight for justice and freedom, always!

 So, here is to closing the chapter of this season and leaving Africa sooner than expected. As much as I hate good buys and puffy red faces, God is calling me home for a season of rest and healing…  I will be heading home September 13, and YES this was not the plan, BUT it’s HIS will, HIS plans, HIS kingdom… There are plans in the work to hit the ground running again mid December/January!

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

^16-18 So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever

Baby Isabella

A few blogs ago I wrote about one of my friends and how she was in a battle to keep her baby or not. My sweet friend had already tried to abort the baby 4 different times and she was never successful, so her next solution was to just had the baby over to me. 

I would go over to her house every Sunday afternoon and just love on her and just speak life over her when all she ever heard was death. She would always keep her head down in shame and would never look me in the eyes, unless we were talking about "the man in white" who would come to her at night in her dreams. In those small little moments I would watch her come alive, I saw her shoulders lay back in safety, and watch the walls around her heart fall. Our glory moments we had together. There was no music, no fluff, no lights or signs and wonders, it was just her telling ME about the "the man in white". That night as I left her house it was different. The way she hugged me was different, the way she asked me one more time to raise her baby was different. It was just different. 

We had a plan, my pastor and I. We had a plan for if ... well when she came to my door step with this baby. We were prepared to hand the baby off to the police station, and from there they would place our sweet baby in an orphanage.... I was given the honor to name the baby, and I was trying so hard to guard my heart and prepare my self to hand the baby over. The orphanage would be better than I. I am in no position to take this baby, nor has God asked me to.... We had a plan, it was a plan we have all prayed over, cried over, and I know even to this day that was the right plan and it was going to take place in just a few short days.

Sunday rolled around, and I hadn't heard from my friend in a few days. She hadn't had the baby yet so I made my normal trek over to her house. As I walked in, the door was wide open and the room was empty. All that was left of the room was dirt. She was gone. I tried calling her phone over and over and over again,but her phone was off. I just stood in the door and cried out to God. I opened my eyes to find one of the village momma's holding my hand. With tears in her eyes, she started to tell me where my friend was. The night before she had tried just one more time to abort the baby and she was successful. It was a little girl, Baby Isabella. ( Isabella means God's promise) 

Ah. The plan. We had a plan. 

The momma then goes on to tell me the next morning she packed up all her stuff and the kids and just left. As she was leaving, she kept saying "I am so shamed, I am so shamed", "Bre Bre, will be so shamed"... 

My heart hurts.I miss my friend. My heart hurts for her. I will never know what it feels like to have death knocking on the door for the baby inside me. I will never know what it feels like to not choose life for a baby whom I fear with live in the same poverty and hell my other kids live in. I will never know. 

Abortion is not the answer. It never was the answer. My friend didn't want to have Baby Isabella out of fear, and hurt. She was walking in a life of darkness and couldn't bare to drag one more child in the dirt with her. I do know that I love her even more now. My heart longs to just hold her, and pray away the shame. I do know that "the man in white" never left her side. I do know that even in all the sorrow, the joy is that Baby Isabella is getting rocked in the fathers love. Baby Isabella, my sweet girl who will be waiting  for me at the pearly gates

Pray with me for my friend, and for her life. Pray protection and love to just fill the pain and shame. Pray that she will say YES to Jesus' love and that she will stop and let him love her. Pray for my heart, and the hearts of all the women all over the world, dealing with shame and death knocking at their babies door. 

Romans 12:12  Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Romans 8:6 For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.

Can’t Be Bought – Boundaries

In an environment where boundaries have been labeled non-existent our prayer this week was to teach the girls healthy boundaries. But for the moment we opened our months, our girls were so lost… We asked if anyone knew what a boundary was, and we heard the crickets in America it was so silent. We were able to get hula-hoops and it was a fun way to teach the girls personal space visually by having the hula-hoop as the “boundary”. We wanted to reinforce their value through the understanding that the uncomfortable feelings experienced when someone crosses their “hula-hoop” boundary are normal, and that it’s okay to feel.

We rolled out the life-size body cut out and got to show the girls, “red”, “green”, and “yellow” zones that were in their “hula-hoop”! That’s when we dived into feelings. And that’s when we really lost the girls… They could not wrap little minds around the fact that A) it’s not their fault when someone crosses their “hula-hoop”, and B) that it’s okay to feel unsafe when someone crosses your “hula-hoop”.

Again, most of the girls had never heard that they have boundaries much less that they have a right to feel uncomfortable or have a right to act on these feelings in order to protect their bodies and their hearts. So, telling them that what they have learned their whole life was wrong and they do have “RED” zones that are not okay for anyone to touch, rocked their worlds.

It sounds so simple to us, that we have boundaries, and we have NO GO zones… But, it’s not simple here. The girls think everything on their bodies is green, that they don’t have a right to say no.

We are going to do this lesson again next week with a tiny little twist in it. Our girls this week just didn't get. They don’t understand that they have a right to say no… They don’t understand that it is not normal to sell your body. They don’t understand that they have a right to protect their little hearts.

The injustice here, it breaks my heart, and I know that Daddy God is up there weeping with me. Jesus, let kingdom come here on EARTH as it is in heaven. I can’t wait to walk the pearly streets with my precious girls, with pure hearts, clean hands, and hula-hoops to play games with not to teach with.